(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Hey, I'm home from the honeymoon,
and I want some salami.
Hi, there, married girl.
Hello.
Wait a minute. Where's the salami?
Topanga, I'm home from the honeymoon.
Where's the honeymoon welcome salami?
We are moving in here.
He said, "moving in."
I am equally troubled.
What does he mean by, "moving in"?
Cory?
I mean, a man moves into his new house,
he expects to find a nice deli spread.
Cory, we'll go grocery shopping together. It'll be fun.
You know what I like to do at the grocery store?
Ring the butcher bell and then run away.
(CHUCKLES)
Girls, I'll tell you,
there is nothing funnier than an angry butcher.
Where's the magazine? I gotta do my business.
Cory!
Isn't he cute?
He thinks he's living here?
Of course he is. Where else would he be living, silly?
Oh, Topanga,
you said after you got married, you'd be moving out.
We will be...
Eventually.
Oh, boy.
Why did she say, "oh, boy"?
Oh, boy.
Why did she say, "oh, boy"?
Hey, Angela, I tried your body wash.
I smell like peaches.
(SNIFFS)
You do. You really do.
Hey, guys, listen,
Topanga, I packed up all the stuff from your room,
and I put it right there.
Why would you do that?
'Cause it was in the way when I moved into the room.
Why would you move into the room?
Because I live here now, and you don't.
Right? Oh, I get it.
They think we don't live here anymore.
That's why there's no salami!
You moved into my room!
All right, Topanga, calm down. Calm down, okay.
We're gonna find you a place to live.
You don't live here either.
Honeymoon's over.
We probably should have gotten a place before we left.
It's not like we had a lot of time
I mean, between getting married, getting arrested,
and then going on our honeymoon.
You know what? This will be better anyway.
At least we have your old dorm room to ourselves.
You're right.
No! All wrong!
What's your problem? This is my room.
Nope. No. All wrong, screwy.
Here, show him how it's gonna be.
Right here. University bylaws forbid any married couple
from living in a dorm other than the one designated for married couples.
Maybe we don't have to tell anybody.
Oh, maybe he's right.
Yeah, maybe we don't have to tell anybody.
Too late. We did.
We sent a copy of your marriage certificate...
...to the office of the university president.
Now they can't live here anymore. Show him again.
Right there. Show him again. Put it up there. See that? See?
How could you do this to us?
Hi, Jack. Hi, Professor Matthews.
Hi, new neighbors.
Would you lovely ladies like to take that tour of the coed bathroom now?
Yeah, I could use a shower.
Couldn't we all.
Look, dirt!
See, there's three of them.
It's one, two and three.
You know, frankly, I love to count them.
So if you'll excuse me.
And you know what? You guys just can't live here anymore.
So go on, get out!
How could you do such a horrible thing to your own brother?
Believe me, Topanga, it was the right move.
Well, we are running out of options here, my husband and provider.
Oh, now I'm the provider.
Topanga, what happened to equality?
What happened to partnership?
Get me a place to live!
Yes, mommy.
Hmm.
Mommy.
No. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to my mommy.
It would only be until they got on their feet.
No.
What do you mean, "no"? Dad, I'm your son.
You don't tell your son "no."
No!
Alan.
That's it! We're moving in!
You're lucky I even asked you!
Cory, don't make me beat you up in front of your wife.
Why didn't you give any thought to where you were gonna live?
I was a little busy thinking about the wedding and the honeymoon.
Besides, it's not like I've done this before, Mom.
Well, you're gonna have to do it now.
I never asked to be the man in this relationship!
Maybe we should go.
Go where?
Where do you go if you don't have your parents?
At least let them stay for a couple of days.
Amy, don't...
Don't you put your finger out at me,
and don't you tell me "don't"!
Mom's revved up. Go get the luggage.
These are my children, too.
And if I want them to stay here, they can stay here.
Amy, they can't stay here. They're married now.
It's Cory and Topanga, not Cory and us.
Remember?
Mom?
Mom, it's me.
It's Cory.
You used to wipe my tushy.
Oh, you loved that. Remember?
Ma?
You can't stay here, Cory.
I'm sorry.
I'm tellin' grandma!
I'm sorry.
I know.
My father's a jerk! I have a jerk for a father!
I'm sure he has a very good reason for not...
For abandoning us?
We don't need them. We don't?
No. We need us.
We need to stand on our own feet and figure out our situation.
Okay, I've already figured it out.
We're upper middle class homeless college students.
There's a very small pity factor here.
I wouldn't feel sorry for us if it wasn't us!
We should figure out how much money we have.
Well, if you take what we got from our wedding
and subtract what we spent on our honeymoon,
we've got about seven blenders.
It would be nice to have a kitchen to put them in.
Stop pressuring me!
Cory, we have to live somewhere!
"Ooh, I want a roof over my head!"
"I want a roof over my head!"
Baby!
Hey, guys!
Well, hello, Shawn and Angela.
Well rested?
Well, we have very good news for you.
Mike and Debbie Faferman had a fight.
He criticized her salad, so she shot him.
Why is this good news?
Because she's gonna do time,
and the dorm's gonna be available.
And those married dorms have gotta be great.
You know how married people live, sophisticated, very posh.
Ah, you hear that, Topanga? Posh.
WOMAN: I got a midterm In physiology tomorrow! Make your own dinner!
MAN: I'll make you a deal, I'll cook dinner, you stop talking!
(BABY CRYING)
Please, stop crying. Please, stop crying!
(HAIR DRYER BLOWING LOUDLY)
MAN: Shut the door if you're gonna do that!
(DOOR SLAMS)
That's it, break it!
It sounds like we have very colorful neighbors.
Oh, look,
a cute little boy.
Hey, there, little fella.
I see dead people.
That's nice.
Let's get outta here!
No, this is us. 236.
This is gonna be our home for the next three years.
It's nice.
Okay, so it needs a little work.
You know what I think we should do here?
I think we should think about the worst moment in our lives,
and it'll only make us feel better about this one.
It's this, isn't it? Yeah, it is.
But things are never as bad as they seem, Cory.
You're right, Topanga. Everything's terrific. It's just fabulous.
CORY: I hate my parents, and we live in a crack house!
But why don't we find the good, Topanga?
Let's find the good 'cause I don't know where it is.
Is it underneath that pizza box?
I don't know. It could be.
No, that's where the vermin is hiding.
Cory, you're such a baby. No.
(STOMPS)
Nope, it's still alive.
(STOMPS) No, it's still alive,
and here come his drunken cousins from Louisiana.
Get 'em!
No, now they're up, and they're angry.
Get 'em, Topanga!
Step harder, on that one.
Ow!
Hi. Hi. We were, uh...
Doing the dance of our people.
Hi, I'm Kelly Aragon,
and this is Samantha, who doesn't sleep, ever.
We're your neighbors. Welcome to the dorm.
Nice to meet you, Kelly.
She is so cute. Can I hold her?
Yeah.
Ohh!
No.
Put it back.
Well, she'd be a lot cuter if she would just sleep for, like, a minute.
I mean, other babies sleep, right?
Oh, I don't think I can stay awake much longer.
Uh, just out of curiosity, Kelly,
the bed where your baby doesn't sleep all night,
that's not located behind these paper-thin walls, is it?
Because the only crying I want to hear is my own.
Cory!
It's all right. At least he's here.
My husband's a med student, and they never come home.
You two are newlyweds, aren't you?
Yeah, we are.
Good luck.
Thanks. Thanks.
Okay, let's just look at this as a true test of character.
Now, we can either run from this,
or we can be stronger than this.
Good luck.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ) I wasn't really gonna run.
I, uh...
This is for you.
And as the black plague worked its way through Europe,
the streets were littered with maggot-infested, rotting corpses
of the dying and the dead.
He's talking about us.
Uh, yes, Mrs. Matthews.
Could I have a bath?
Please reserve your personal matters for after class.
But our water's brown.
Mrs. Matthews...
And you have to chew it.
You know, I rarely do this, but I'm going to dismiss the class on account of,
well, pathetic.
You know, you got a big house, Feeny, and no children.
Mrs. Matthews...
(IN GRAVELLY VOICE) What do you do in that house, Feeny?
Do you eat?
What's the matter with you two, and why are you so unkempt?
Oh, ho ho ho! We're "unkempt"!
You hear that, Topanga?
Well, you'd be unkempt, too, if you lived
in an apartment with only one washing machine and no dryer!
And you know how the baby cries?
Like this, waaah!
Waaah! Waaah!
All night!
Mr. Matthews... Waah!
All right, I get it! It's unpleasant!
Quit stalling, Feeny. We staying with you or not?
Not.
Oh, Cory, Topanga...
From the bottom of my heart,
I'd do anything for you two
if it's anything short of actually moving in. Anything at all.
How about some of your millions, fella?
Mrs. Matthews...
Hold him! I'll get his wallet.
No!
That would be wrong. This man is an educator.
Oh, you're right. What could he have, like, nine bucks?
And a Blockbuster card.
My dear ruffians...
Let me tell you something about life.
No, please! No more words!
You have been telling me about life since the first grade, Feeny.
How come you never prepared us for this?
Although you can't see it now, your reward is yet to come.
What are you, a fortune cookie?
Who has cookies?
He's a fortune cookie, Topanga.
I resent that!
My words are heartfelt and highly original.
To be reduced to a whimsical jocularity
that's stuffed into a cracker is an affront to the very essence of my character.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Well put, honey. Well put.
Give us something we can use, why don't ya?
Persevere, and prosperity shall be yours.
All right, I'm a fortune cookie.
Remember last time? Spanked you like a baby.
Guys? Hi!
You know, I haven't seen you in days.
Yeah. So, how's life been treating you?
How's life been treating us?
She wants to know how life has been treating us, buddy.
Life, which has up until now treated us terribly,
has decided to pay us back.
In triplicate.
Come here, Rachel. I want you to meet somebody.
These are the Dahm triplets.
And they're the best Dahm triplets I've ever seen!
They're our neighbors, all three of 'em.
We helped them move in.
Yes, all three of 'em.
Here, look, see. It's one, two, three.
I love to count them. It's just...
Hi.
Hi!
Aren't they the greatest girls?
Again, cause there's three. There's one, two, three,
and there's one of you and three of them.
'Cause when it's just one but three and one,
'cause you lose.
Well, there's three of them, and there's two of you, so what's up with that?
They promised they'd find us a third guy.
So we can all go out together.
We always do everything together.
Everything! Everything!
You've been so nice in helping us find our dorm room.
We owe you.
They owe us.
A party. They owe us a party.
So, did you find another guy?
Ooh... Hmm, hmm.
Third guy. Party.
I choose you!
Do you want to go out with one of these beautiful women?
Can my brothers go with me?
Oh, no!
Hi. Hi.
No! No!
Hi. Hi.
No! No!
Well, now, where are they going?
They're going to the party!
We're not invited anymore?
Neh!
Rachel.
We appear to have a gaping hole in our social calendar.
Yeah, if you're not doing anything later, maybe we could...
I wasn't, but now I think I'm just gonna go home and
laugh and laugh and laugh.
Three times!
Three, get it?
No.
(SIGHS)
So, you wanna go volunteer to be experimented on?
Sure.
So, how are the married dorms?
Pretty sweet setup, I'm guessing.
We have bugs.
Everybody's got bugs.
Our bugs have cars.
Your worst problem should be bugs.
True, you're right.
But it's not.
What, there's more?
Just please change the subject, and don't change it to plumbing,
don't change it to crying babies,
and don't mention the fact that there was a guy shot in our apartment over a salad,
the remains of which are still on the wall.
The guy or the salad?
I don't really want to know.
I ate it anyway.
Okay, let's talk about the married thing.
What about it?
What's the biggest difference?
What, between being boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah.
Well, you know, we're together.
We're together in everything. We're there for each other.
And even though everything we're going through right now
may not be ideal, we're gettin' through it.
I think we're handling it well.
Topanga, are you crying?
(VOICE BREAKING) Why would you say that?
Because tears are coming out of your eyes,
and your face is all scrunched up.
This is crying?
Yeah.
Then I've been crying for three days.
Guys, what's the matter?
It's nothing. I'll be okay.
I'm sorry. I'll be fine.
You wanna talk about it?
Talk about what?
Talk about how I've been married for one week,
and I already can't protect my wife?
Talk about how I believed love would get us through anything?
Talk about what an unprepared idiot I am?
You're not an idiot. It's just new.
Topanga's crying, Shawn.
Cory, how can I help?
And new is very scary.
I wanna help.
Thanks, but...
I don't think you can on this one.
Of course I can. I'm your friend.
Yeah, but I'm her husband.
I have to take care of this.
I have to.
Cory,
I told you I can't help you with this.
Dad, I'm not asking you to help me, okay?
This isn't about me. This is about Topanga.
The minute I married her, she became more important than me.
She became more important than anything.
I'm glad you realize that.
I know that mom is more important to you than anything, right?
Right, she is.
And you are as well, and so is Topanga.
Okay, good.
I'm glad you feel that way because the last talk we had,
I didn't get that from you,
and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your coming around.
Cory, I'm not coming around.
I can't help you the way you want me to, and I'm not going to!
Hey! We're drowning here!
You are not drowning.
Well, what do you call living in an awful dorm with no money,
and the washing machine's broken in the laundry room,
and there's some kind of soup coming out of the faucet!
Marriage, I call it. Marriage.
Okay, well, it's hard! It's just hard, dad.
And you want me to make it not so hard.
You're supposed to do that!
I can't!
Well, then what good are you?
Hey!
You made a choice!
You decided that you were old enough to get married.
You decided to take on the responsibility of a new life
because you believed you could handle it!
And this family supported that decision
after we told you that it was going to be very difficult.
What, did you think we were kidding?
Did you go into this marriage thinking you were just going to play house,
and we were gonna bail you out of trouble?
Cory...
This is your life.
Deal with your life.
All you had to say was "no."
(SIGHS)
Cory, where were you? I was worried sick.
Uh, Topanga...
I think it's just gonna be you and me.
I made us a tuna-fish sandwich.
I love you.
I know.
I know you do.
Oh, look, a cute little boy.
Hey, there, little fella.
I see dead people.
(LAUGHING)
I see dead people.
(LAUGHS)
...dead people.
That's nice.
(LAUGHS) I said it!
(LAUGHING)